The Times


I was doing really well

Remembering the time when you were sick ,

The time when you were in the rehab center or the hospital

Too sick to do really, anything...    Lying there

With your left side paralyzed and

Not being able to swallow, having to take in food by the tube

And not being able to speak....well, just a few words, 

And just occasionally.


I seem to be able to let this go and I think that I have cried 

So much, remembering you in this way that sometimes I feel 

That there are no more or hardly any tears left

When I see you in my mind's eye this way...


But now there is a new Time......The Good Time..

The time when you were young, a beautiful beautiful boy... 

So full of energy for the happy things in life.  

The great times we had when we travelled to

The islands and went to the tennis camp and went to Africa

Wonderful times.......Happy times...

You were so healthy..so vital and vibrant.......

I don't think that I am ready now to really remember those times without

Having many many many tears and so much pain..

The pain that I actually feel in my gut.....

The pain that I actually feel breaking my heart...

The pain that is making me older before my time to get old...

The pain that just comes up without warning and strikes when I am least

I am least suspecting.....

The pain that everyone says will never go away and 

I have to "do something" with it so that I can continue...

It seems that as time goes by...there is a paradox...

The further away you are from me,  the more deeply I can feel you near.

You are fading into the distance, but you are coming closer...

I am losing the intensity of the time when you were so sick...

I am remembering the time when you were so well...

And I have so so many tears left when I see you 

In my mind's eye this way

And I hope and pray for a new time...a time when I will have a

Balance....

A time when I will have some peace and when I will be able to

Remember .................. 

Just you.



Margo Moss, July 27,2003